


The Problem With Fleas

by writinwaters (Anithene)



Category: Bleach
Genre: Complete, F/M, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-08
Updated: 2012-11-08
Packaged: 2017-11-18 04:23:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/556858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anithene/pseuds/writinwaters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kisuke goes to Byakuya for a much-needed piece of advise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Problem With Fleas

  
  


It’s not often that Kisuke Urahara questions his actions.

No, he’s a scientist unconcerned with moral obligation and ethical boundaries. He’s not like Kurotsuchi, who will do anything to anybody for whatever reason (Kisuke shudders at the recollection of being infected with tapeworms) but he is, by most standards, a shady and untrustworthy man.

A good assumption, too. If Kisuke weren’t Kisuke, he wouldn’t trust himself, either.

The man lets out a sigh which flaps his lips and whistles through his teeth. Even a man without moral obligation may sometimes regret his actions. This is one of those times. He sits, splayed, outside the Urahara shop, tapping his trademark white fan against one knee, thinking.

Contrary to popular belief, he doesn’t do this often.

He’s a man who does what he thinks needs to be done, in the fastest, most efficient way possible. He tries not to hurt anyone, but that doesn’t always work. He’s a scientist, after all is said and done. So for him to actually sit down and _think_ about something he’s done, it would be a fair assumption to say whatever that was, it was bad.

So bad, he got kicked out of his own shop.

The blond man makes a thoughtful sound, rubs his palm across his chin. He’s been sitting out here for close to two hours, judging by the sun, which sits lazily to the west, and in another hour stars will start to appear. Would it be too late, now?  Kisuke ponders on that, then from inside the store there’s a loud _crash_ of something breaking, and he winces.

It will have to do, he decides. He doesn’t want to sleep outside.

*****

He almost forgot how fresh the air was in the Seireitei.

In the Real World, the air is heavy with people and cars and carelessness, the smells of too much, too often. When he first arrived there, Kisuke was surprised by how _much_ there was, not just people and places, but much of everything. Few rules and regulations. A completely different way of life.

In the Seireitei, everyone has their place and something to do. Even the smallest Rukongai brat has a mission in life. Shinigami train, perfect their art, not unlike the _samurai_ of the Real World, Kisuke muses, though that tradition is as dead as he is.

He’d sent a Hell Butterfly earlier to inform the Kuchiki residence of his request, and although no reply was sent, he took it as an invitation. Kisuke is probably one of the last men Byakuya wants to see ever again, but really, desperate times call for desperate measures.

So it comes as a surprise when Byakuya himself is seen waiting for him outside the manor.

 _Not much of a greeting,_ Kisuke thinks, looking at his pale, impassive face. His eyes are lively, though. And he’s sure that, if possible, the Kuchiki noble’s gaze would have set him afire, it was so intense.

The scientist grins, wide and bawdy, just to annoy him.

“Why, good evening, Kuchiki! Fancy seeing you here!”

He makes his voice louder and shriller than need be, and snickers to himself when the other man’s spirit energy ruffles, ever so.

The noble’s hair is loose, but he still wears his uniform, as if to inform him of who is a Captain now, and who is not.

“Come inside, Kisuke Urahara. I don’t want to be seen with the likes of you by anyone.”

He shrugs and follows the noble through the gates, past a courtyard full of blossoming cherry trees, into a hall, and finally into what appears to be a guest room, and Kisuke takes a moment to admire the luxury. The Shihouin estate had its beauty when he lived there with Yoruichi, but it’s been a while since he’s been surrounded by so much richness. He sits, a little too loosely by noble standards, on the zabuton placed near the door. In case he has to flee.

Byakuya sits across from him, and Kisuke is sure if his back were any straighter it’d snap in two. He’s a lot taller than the scientist remembered him, and sadder, too, but he’s glad to see some energy in the man’s eyes, even if said energy is currently saying _get this over with so I can kick your sorry ass out of my home._

Kisuke opens his mouth to begin, but Byakuya silences him.

“Before you say anything, Urahara, know that I am not doing this for your sake, but Yoruichi’s. Despite our disagreements in the past, I still respect her as a mentor. Ask what you want to ask me, and leave.”

The blond nods and tilts his hat down to cover his eyes.

He’s unsure how to begin.

“You see, Mr. Kuchiki, I’ve made a big mistake.”

He almost hears the younger man snort, but it’s faint and too quick to distinguish.

“I should say so, Urahara. I have not forgotten about what you did to Rukia.”

Kisuke purses his lips and looks away. Leave it to Byakuya Kuchiki to bring that up now.

Well, time to grovel.

He takes off his hat, sets it aside, and bends into a back-breaking bow, so deep Kisuke can feel his nose being squished against the floor mats.

“Lord Byakuya Kuchiki of the Noble Kuchiki Clan, Captain of the 6th Division of the Gotei 13, as a former Captain and confidant of a fellow Noble, I humbly, and with the up most reverence, request such an issue to be put aside for the briefest time. I think…”

He feels something pass by his head and he’s jerked by the collar into a sitting position. Kisuke looks up the pale wrist, the dark sleeve, and finally into the frowning face of his host.

“Shut up, Urahara.”

Kisuke blinks.

Byakuya lets go and Kisuke rubs his chafed neck. He watches as the Captain resumes his position, but his eyes are closed, and the scientist can see a very faint quiver in his hands.

“Get to the subject in question before I lose what little patience I have for you. You do not need to apologize to me, but to my sister.”

The blond nods, slowly, still half expecting blood to come gushing out of him any minute.

He sees one eyebrow rise, just slightly, and Kisuke clears his throat, unsure of where to start, again.

“You see, well. There’s no good way to put this. Well, there might be, but I don’t think there is. Yoruichi’s not happy with me. And when I say ‘not happy’ I mean ‘she’s going to skewer my balls and eat them for supper’ mad at me.”

That probably wasn’t an image the other man needed to envision, but Kisuke thinks it an appropriate description.

He takes a deep, shuddering breath.

“She’s bald.”

Silence.

And then, more silence.

“ _What?”_

Kisuke nods sagely. “She got a really bad case of fleas, you see. Little bastards are tough. No amount of kidou or medication got rid of the things. So, I put a drug in her daily saucer of milk to put her asleep for a while..and shaved her. As a cat, of course, so subsequently, she’s now bald when she transforms back.”

“I’ve never heard of shaving an animal to get rid of fleas.”

He grins, laughs softly. “That’s the thing. They were _Hollow_ fleas. After I shaved her, I had to perform a konso on every one of the little buggers.”

Byakuya blinks. Kisuke bets it’s the closest thing to baffled anyone has likely seen him.

“And that’s the trouble, Mr. Kuchiki. Yoruichi isn’t a vain woman, but she’s still a _woman._ After she woke up, it took Tessai _three_ tries to successfully bind her with a kido spell. He locked me out of the shop, and her in it, for my sake. Unless I can calm her down, it looks like I’ll be spending a lot of time outside.”

The Noble _hmms_ thoughtfully, and tilts his head down, as if considering something of massive importance.

“She isn’t vain, but she’s arrogant. As you said, she is a woman, and from what I understand, women see their hair as a part of their beauty. So reassure her of it. Even if she isn’t particularly attractive completely bald,” his mouth twitches in an almost-smile.

“So, are you telling me to romance her, flowers and candy and love poetry? She’s my friend, not my lover. It would be weird. And besides, I’m not too great that that, unlike some.”

Byakuya sends him a _look_ and his spirit energy flares again. Kisuke is smart enough not to snicker.

“No. I’m telling you to _grovel.”_

He stands, and Kisuke takes that as a queue to leave now, lest he lose his head, or his balls, and he prefers them both where they are, so he bows again and makes to leave, before Byakuya holds up a hand to pause his exit.

“If I may make one more suggestion. If you can get close enough, rub the spot behind her left knee when she’s in human form. She’ll melt.”

Kisuke laughs, honestly and loudly.

“Keep an eye out for those Hollow lice, too. I don’t think you’d be half as handsome without hair, Mr. Kuchiki. Thanks for the help.”

Back at the shop, Kisuke attempts to rub the spot behind Yoruichi’s left knee, and Byakuya was right, it does make her melt.

Yoruichi steps back, the feminine curve of her lips, newly kissed, softening with a smile. She runs a hand through her loose hair, securing a lock behind her ear, only to have it come down again. They don’t say anything. Byakuya nods, quickly, each end of his mouth rising just slightly.

He lets her go. She’ll be back.


End file.
